I know that my last weight post was a little bit dramatic, but I'm having a lot of ups and downs on this journey and it's been pretty hard on me emotionally. Somedays I feel hopeless and on the day of my last post I was feeling emotional, hormonal and having one of those pre-menstral cravings to eat everything in sight. Fighting this urge was very difficult. Deciding to snack is the same as giving-in to me, which is very scary because I'm overwhelmingly all or nothing in respect to my diet. Which, of course, means that I'm either eating everything or practically nothing. I have never been much of a snacker or the sort of person who wants to eat five small meals a day. So, on days when I am hormonal and hungry... it messes with my head a bit.
This week I really worked on being healthier. I felt myself going to war with food and was filled with guilt every time I ate something. Quickly, I understood that this was unhealthy and not sustainable. I wanted to change the behavior, but it's been my pattern to shut-down my diet whenever I am faced with control issues (in reference to food) and just not think about it anymore. When I don't think about it I feel okay, but I also gain a shit-ton of weight because I am just allowing myself to eat whatever and whenever and end up smothering a lot of boredom and bad feelings in foods. I definitely am guilty of using food as a coping mechanism for a lot of things. Food brings me joy in many ways. I love buying it. I really love preparing it. I love tasting it. I love the way it feelings in my belly. Truthfully, I just find joy in food. But, I don't like the feeling of losing control of eating or eating too often in an effort to feel more joy. I also don't like the feeling of withholding food and feeling guilty for eating every time I put something in my mouth. It's my opinion that overeating will kill you faster than restricting calories too aggressively... but both are unhealthy and I really do want to be healthy. I'm fighting for it. Really, I just want to be healthy and normal. So, that's what I struggled with this week... but I am feeling much better.
This week I didn't lose any weight. I weigh exactly the same as I did last Thursday, which is great. I lost 13 lbs in 2 weeks and 31 lbs in 11 weeks. I am okay with hanging out here for a week or two, focusing on portion control, keeping my calories in a good place and my nutrition up. I am working on neither surrendering to food to feel better about ANYTHING or letting food and eating make me feel badly. I am just making nutritious meals, eating small portions, getting exercise and not racing towards weight loss. I plan my meals well in advance and I'm going to continue to do so. Tonight I am even going to eat a potato, which is something that I haven't done since April. Okay, okay, so I have total carbohydrate phobia and I'll admit that I am going to TRY to eat a potato, but I might not be able to bring myself to do it.
I have ten more pounds to lose before I am technically in my weight range and I am still going towards that goal, but not at such a fast speed. If it takes me ten more weeks to lose this weight, I am fine with that.
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